Category: Reflecting

2023: March — Breathing Pause

Reflecting Back on March

I finished a long-term remodel work project from the fall. The bathrooms are open!

Watched the McGee interior design show throughout the month, got my hair cut, found myself completely rearranging the furniture in my room one weekend–impromptu. Love it.

An office at work has new floors and we’re in the middle of a deep-clean. I’m looking forward to fresh energy in that space; spring is here.

We had a few more snow removal days sprinkled throughout the month; perhaps the last was this past week? I heard my Backyard Bird’s song a week ago at lunch; what a joyful sound.

I signed up for Starhawk’s Ritual Skills class. I probably wouldn’t have if I’d sat on it any amount of time before registering, but it’s nice to be in her presence again.

My Grandpa was in the hospital the week of his 90th birthday, and now is trying out a nursing home for 20 days of rehab.

I’ve been receiving clarity to transition a relationship and to try staying at my place of work. Learned of Devilin’s latest and struggled to hold my tongue. May all relationships be for the good of all beings; may we learn what we need to learn, and be transformed in necessary ways.

I’ve been feeling inspired by memoirs being released from people I know. There’s fuel for a long, slow-burning fire to write my empath journey.

Sent mail this month. Read some great memoirs; finished one from my “pass along” pile, and am partway into another.

Grateful for…

  • Loam connections and conversations
  • Ted Lasso
  • More sunlight
  • Starting at Walnut during school
  • Caroline’s presence and teaching
  • Snail mail from zine reader
  • My housemate
  • Friends at work
  • Good books to read
  • My teachers at school; their skills and abilities to teach
  • Pens and paper; writing

Celebrating…

  • Making it through the Sharp Loneliness
  • The two days I left class early when I didn’t have capacity
  • Asked Heather to pick up chocolate chips from TJ
  • The times I practice TRE and the moments I ground
  • The Tuesday morning when two bold energies were low, yet mine stayed strong.
  • Shared my zines in a café downtown, and with a vegan restaurant I admire
  • Started browsing around for places to print my zines; sent one request for a quote and received a no. (Yay, first no!)
  • All the days I have been able to, and haven’t been able to, write in my New Project
  • Wrote a spoken poem “A Letter a Week” to process
  • All the clearing out: finally going through Pile of Pens, plastic bags under the sink are gone
  • Second month without any stops at Goodwill

Noticing…

How I feel at work; anxieties about Future Leader and Work Truck.

How strongly Anita’s “Dying to Be Me” Near Death Experience is staying with me, and how all we’re meant to do is be ourselves and shine that light/love.

Looking Ahead to April’s New Moon

Calling in

I call in the powers of

Being With, such that I may have the strength to be with whatever feelings arise during the transitions to come,

We Love Rebecca, such that my thoughts, body, and spirit can bathe in the magnificent light of self-Love, and

Accept This Moment’s Capacity Without Arrows, such that I can learn to accept capacities as they arise, without second arrows of guilt, shame, story, etc.

Naming intentions

I intend to befriend and love the G.W. amor/fear when I notice it.

I intend to do what feels right in the moment, and to joyfully be myself.

I intend to trust my intuition, Timing, the power of grounding, and the Great Spirit.

2023: February – Breathing Pause

Reflecting back on February

In February we explored Swaying. The month has been full of hard emotions, holding, and cozy TV.

There was snow, snow, and more snow. Cancelled classes. Weather & admin leave.

Uncertainty over maintenance future, a deepening desire to work in the healing arts. Great uncertainty in my partnership.

My 3rd Reiki session brought a never-before felt physical experience (woah!) and reminded me to trust in myself and clear clutter. I watched Mari Kondo’s “Sparking Joy” and have been enjoying home makeover before/afters, appreciating the energy of spaces.

The Winter Desert Sunrise puzzle in my living room sneakily provided much support; I completed it last night.

I’ve been mixing up food routines all month (and couldn’t have predicted the refreshing winds that has brought), bringing fruit water to work and making vegan corn dogs; hello smoothies in February; we even did Red Curry takeout on a random Friday.

I learned of: The Moon Is My Calendar (and am exploring the practice), Bioneers.

Enjoyed “Ted Lasso” and “The Morning Show” on my 3 free months of AppleTV. Ted is uplifting and funny and kind; The Morning Show is important yet pushes the edge of too much for my sensitive being–I notice the lack of plants in their corporate TV world.

I began a writing project, looking back at all that’s transpired since 2019, to craft a narrative and integrate.

I didn’t send out any letters, but one package to a friend undergoing surgery (KF).

The final week of the month, some coworkers and I experienced something very hard at work. My body is processing trauma from it, and old Loneliness wounds are surfacing. I had to ask for what I needed at work, which felt vulnerable and uncomfortable. This incident sparked me to finally finish the self-paced TRE class though, and I’ve used TRE 3 times on myself this week. Excited to go deeper.

Grateful for…

+ The Loam and all its humans
+ Caring healing professionals
+ Money for massage and therapy
+ Money for food
+ My housemate’s energy
+ The trees
+ The care from several work folks after the Incident
+ TRE
+ The self-knowledge I’ve gained over the years
+ Music, Alexa Sunshine Rose, First Aid Kit, Molly’s playlists
+ Ted Lasso and all the humans who brought that story to life

Celebrating / proud of…

+ Giving myself what I need
+ Skipping class the Tuesday we processed the Incident
+ Letting emotion move through me at work, at home
+ Turning to somatic writing, TRE, soul friends
+ Voicing truths/needs to my partner
+ The writing and not writing on New Project

Noticing…

+ Need for in-person community is getting stronger; thinking about where to live when this job ends, or before.
+ Lack of spark at work. Open wonderings: Is it seasonal? Is it the people? Is it signifying the need for a bigger realignment?
+ The resurface of a sad, Deep Loneliness
+ My lack of walks this snowy winter.
+ Deep desire for a safe home. An address that won’t change. Walls I can paint.

Looking Ahead to March

Calling in

I’m calling in the powers of Self Trust and Gentle Compassion.

May I trust my intuition, and treat myself so gently these days.

May the words I speak to myself carry compassion,

May I encourage and nurture all the versions of me: Young Rebecca, Wisest & Kindest Me, Present-Me.

Naming intentions

The hotspot has been increasing my awareness to exciting things: Lyla June, Bioneers, TRE, a woman-run farm in WI, etc. And while the bubbly excitement is a welcome sign, my eyes have strayed too far from my paper. Thus, my intentions this coming month:

  • Make space (clear clutter: material, thought, energetic)

 

  • Ground (keep growing this foundation)

 

  • Paint/write/create (be aware of how much I’m consuming)

2023: January – Breathing Pause

Reflecting back on January

January was a month of integrating the visit to my family of origin over the holidays, of a new housemate, of snow and snow and more snow, of readjusting to the school rhythms, of committing to two retreats this year, of uncertainty in my primary relationship, and of attention on the Good Worker armor.

Grateful for…

+ My new housemate, with whom I feel the most myself in my home, compared to all my housemates prior in current govt shared housing. She is teaching me a lot with her presence.
+ The puzzle that Pete left me with. I’ve been playing with a new lunchtime routine, where I return home to eat and puzzle, and it’s felt good.
+ Bear/strength handmade gift from Adson
+ Em and our connection
+ Loam and Polo friends
+ The sunshine, melting this snow into water
+ New security doors installed at my house
+ Lyla June, who my therapist just introduced me to. I’m grateful for the excitement and resonance I feel when listening to Lyla’s words, and that she’s spoken so much over the years.
+ My teachers this semester at community college. They each have their own way, and are both deeply dedicated to knowledge being passed along and understood by students.
+ The trust and love in my partnership
+ Fresh energy felt this week in new grocery/eating rhythms: watermelon/kiwi water at work on a Wednesday, chocolate smoothie on a Sunday
+ The light blue handkerchief in my right pocket, whose scent fills me with grounding and safety.
+ My safe, cozy home.
+ Work environment where I can explore the Armor and practice new ways of being.

Celebrating / Proud of…

+ Using my voice at 2-day Wilderness Training
+ Noticing the bubbles and ordering Calm CP supplement again
+ Filing my taxes!
+ Rootedness among partnership waves
+ Listening to my intuition re: Molly’s retreats
+ Grounding during the work day
+ How I responded to an email from an old college friend
+ All of the 10% Tuesdays I’ve been writing & sharing in the Loam
+ The noticing I did when I got a new phone at the start of the month, the slowness of my transition from old to new, intentionally installing apps, creating a “neutrally separate” background to remind me of a new energy tool I’m playing with.

Deepening

+ Third Chakra. I can take up space. I am powerful and strong, like the sun. I honor the light within me.
+ A noticing of the Good Worker shield. How heavy it is. How much shame/judgment I can automatically cast upon myself in work settings. New dimensions of an old story are being illuminated.
+ Calling towards energy healing. I’m reading “Energy Medicine” by Jill Blakeway right now, and while it’s not my #1 on energy healing, it’s illuminating clearly that I want to go deep into this realm, to develop gifts with which I can share and heal.

 

Looking Ahead to February

Calling in

Lately I’ve been feeling more of the bubbles, the pressure of taking in so many stimuli at once, analyzing, noticing, tending to myself based on capacity. There isn’t time to process all that’s occurring! It makes me more fearful of leaving the house—like scanning and protecting take so much heavy work and energy. So I’m calling in the power of breath.

With me always, may I turn to her as a trusted resource in any moment.

May I rest in the knowing that there is nothing I must do.

Open, relax, and breath will breathe me, as she always does.

What has proven her dependability more than she?

May this breath remind me of the wisdom in One Thing At a Time and All Timing Right Timing,

and may she bring with her a lightness, a softening,

a deepness of my connection with Earth, with All Life.

 

So mote it be.

Health Update: August 2022

In 2018, I published the ebook “My Decade Living with IBS-D,” which recounts my slow journey to digestive health. Today, I added a brief “Update: August 2022” section to the end of that ebook, to share a few of the changes I’ve experienced since then. Below I’m posting the entirety of this section.


 

Hello dear reader,

It’s Rebecca of August, 2022—the Rebecca five years after my digestion was fully healed, and four years since writing this ebook. People are always changing, and a static PDF cannot reflect my current perspectives, but below I have included some thoughts and notable updates. 

Some statements may feel sweeping—as it would take multiple memoirs to take you on my journey these past five years—but we only have a few pages of text together here.

On the Surface

Here are a few snapshots of my health that are easier to see externally:

Eating Plants 

I did go back to France in 2019 and ate whole foods plant-based, save for a pain au chocolat that I got one day. Damien’s mother made me a vegan paella and vegan donuts!

I continue to eat what feels right for me, and that has been a whole foods plant-based diet. I buy organic groceries, I am growing some vegetables in a small garden this summer, and I drink lots of tea and herbal infusions. I cook and bake each weekend so that I’ll have nourishing meals and snacks during the workweek. To be cooking or to be baking grounds me, connects me to the Earth, and is an act of care for myself.

There are plenty of new resources which encourage vegan eating, including Earthling Ed. He is a vegan educator and public speaker who has made fantastic resources, such as this free ebook which debunks common vegan “myths.” (If I’d known about Earthling Ed all those years ago at dinner with my dietician aunt, I could have confidently declared “All protein comes from plants!” when she inquired about my protein.) 

Not Drinking Alcohol

I haven’t drank alcohol since February of 2019, another change that has felt great in my body. This wasn’t a conscious decision; first days went by, then months, and the more time that went by without alcohol, the less I wanted to drink it. I can feel more in my body, I sleep well, and my senses are clear, deep, and alert. My relationships are stronger and I experience so many more emotions and sensations. 

Things don’t have to be “rock bottom” or problematic in order to stop doing something. (See Nicole Antoinette’s podcasts or read Laura McKowen’s memoir “We Are the Luckiest” for more of this thinking.) Wanting to do something is enough reason to do it. 

During the summer of 2020 I got super into sparkling water, after disliking it my whole life prior. It’s still a refreshing summer beverage for me now. Who knows what my body will enjoy five years from now? In five years, I’ll know.

Doctors

I have an incredible naturopathic doctor where I currently live, and she makes me feel seen, heard, and safe. Earlier this spring we did some blood tests and a saliva cortisol test to get some information about my body. I’ve been taking a few supplements since, to help with a specific health concern.

This season of my life I’m working regularly with a therapist/energy healer, and have been meeting with a massage therapist monthly or so as well.

Life Rhythms

I live without internet in my home and I don’t use social media. I go to bed at 7:30 p.m. and wake up around 5 a.m. I generally don’t make plans, but perhaps I’ll set an intention. I wake up each day and assess my energy levels/capacity and inclinations as they arise. If I feel creative energy is present, I’ll bake something or sing a song or write a letter. If I have lower energy, I’ll rest. If I need to move emotions, I’ll walk or cry or write. If I feel the need to release, I’ll make a small ceremony or snap a branch in half. And so on.

This feels aligned, true, and right for the mammal that is me at this moment. Slow is my speed. Books, journals, and trees are my joyful companions. We’re all different; it’s a matter of learning how your mammal reacts and what your mammal needs. In this personal chapter of my life, my body needs safety, gentle kindness, and comforts. I know what feeds my energy/soul and what drains it, so I give myself what I need and I avoid / say “no” to what drains it. These rhythms will change over time.

Language

I’m intentional about the language I use. There are many phrases I used in writing five years ago, which I wouldn’t use today. For example, “dietary restrictions over the holidays” sounds limiting and excluding. I love eating plants-based! I eat a much wider variety of flavors and dishes than I ever did growing up, and it’s quite enjoyable. That’s just one phrase. The language I choose to speak and write today has changed to be more inclusive and more resonant with my Spirit.

 

Below the Surface

Here are some shifts in my perspectives which are perhaps harder to see externally:

Spiritual Sensitivity

The largest change is the spiritual lens I’ve gained since writing this ebook. I interact with subtle energy, and have become a deep-sensing person. (Other terms that resonate at different levels: empath, Highly Sensitive Person, 6-sensing, spiritually sensitive). This impacts how I perceive reality, and how I spend my time each day. 

Digestive health was the focus of the healing journey documented here, but my current healing journey centers on grief, trauma, a sensitive nervous system, Somatic Experiencing, inner child work, shadow work, energy, and my relationship with the Earth. 

Spirituality has become my center. Following my Inner Knowing and curiosities has been pivotal for my well-being:

  • Letting my Spirit be who she is at the core, based on intuition, experience, and feeling.
  • Noticing where I feel pressures from others and what my natural inclinations are.
  • Living with the seasons.
  • Feeling my emotions and expressing them freely.
  • Letting the quiet nudges guide my days.
  • Learning what Rebecca Rose needs, nurturing her inner child, grounding her energy with the Earth’s, and allowing her to bloom.

Wholeness & Nature

Our Western society may fool us to believe we can work on parts separately, but everything is interconnected so intricately and deeply. Health is not separate from a Job or Relationships or Rituals or Family or Making or Body Movement or Friendships or Thoughts or Relationship With Self or Connection With Nature or Emotions Experienced in Childhood. Everything is woven together. 

A key piece of this web is Mother Earth. Many indigenous cultures honor the Earth and her life-giving force, as do many spiritual and religious traditions. A connection with the Earth is necessary to health/life. Lack of this relationship is what causes much pain and suffering in our world. If each board meeting/school day/family breakfast/etc. began with a moment to feel the sun’s warmth on our skin, to thank the sun and the Earth, to feel gratitude towards the plants which feed us, house us, give our lungs oxygen to breathe—what kind of decisions would be made?

I do not need to read studies; I know what my body/energy feels like when I’m sitting in the backyard, watching the grasses sway, hearing the birds singing, smelling the fresh air as it enters through my nose, and seeing the web of tree branches overhead.

Western Medical System

Not only is the Western medical system mechanistic and based on parts, but it was created within the patriarchy—within institutions/societies that are racist, mysogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, capitalistic, and generally excluding of minorities. Perhaps some of this has been illuminated to you in recent years. If not, and/or if you’re curious to learn more, the book “Medicine Woman: Reclaiming the Soul of Healing” by Lucy H. Pearce is a great exploration.

Human bodies cover colorful spectrums and have a wide range of lived experiences. Much of the Western medical system, however, puts humans into their boxes, and has historically given preference to learning about the bodies of white, able-bodied men. This system tends to treat symptoms on the surface instead of healing root causes. I trust my lived/felt experience in my body over someone else’s opinions of my body based on the filters they were taught. 

Energy 

Hand-in-hand with my spiritual lens and deep-sensing is energy. Since I can now feel subtle energies, an interest of mine is energy healing. “Anatomy of the Spirit” by Caroline Myss and Deepak Chopra’s “Quantum Healing” were the first books I read on this topic.

I’ve dipped into a lot—through reading, working with practitioners, and experiencing myself: Shamanism, Reiki, Feldenkrais, Donna Eden’s “Energy Medicine,” The Realization Process (Judith Blackstone), somatic meditation (Dr. Reggie Ray), Catherine Liggett (inner child/shadow work for empaths), and Intuition Medicine (Francesca McCartney).

Somatic Experiencing

In the past year and a half, the most influential experience/learning for my health has been Somatic Experiencing. The body holds trauma, and all humans have trauma—big T and little t. Trauma is not an event; it’s how the body’s nervous system responds to certain stimuli. 

Somatic Experiencing has taught me about my particular nervous system’s wiring, and is helping me heal its sensitivities/activations that were programmed in childhood.

I was introduced to all of this through Molly Caro May’s Story Mammal workshop, which I’ve experienced twice at this point. I’m in the middle of this particular journey, learning how to heal/rewire my sensitive nervous system. 

 

And that is a little taste into where my mind, body, and heart have been over the past couple of years. Below are some sources that have shaped my thinking during this time.

Recent Resources

Books

Energy Healing

Intuition/Spiritual Sensitivities

Loving Thoughts

Mother Nature

Somatic Experiencing

Documentaries

  • Heal (Netflix, Prime)
  • Crazywise (traditional approach to mental illness)

Podcasts