Category: Reflecting

A Patchwork Quilt: Tell Story, Cultivate Power-Within, Imagine, Try on New Lenses

A patchwork quilt for you, today.

Letting thoughts be here as they flow, like in the early internet days of blogging.

Remember: All life is sacred.

[First, a freewrite shared with my intimate story+somatics group two days after the election. There is so much shared understanding in that group–which I won’t be able to name here–but one important piece is respect for and knowing that each person’s system responds differently. Everyone can be in their own experience. Our shares are not prescriptive. We are sharing our lived experience.]

I had a restful night’s sleep on Tuesday, and woke up Wednesday to get ready for a day of outdoor shed organizing for my housekeeping client. I did a news search to see the election results. I had a split-second “damn” feeling, and then, “well, okay.” Shoes on, let’s go breathe some new life into this shed on perhaps the last warm day of the season.

My body was able to accept what was. Challenging emotions didn’t arise. I stayed in my tactile life, and my daily purpose remained the same. This was very different from the me in 2016. I wonder if some part of me knew this would be the result, if that’s why I was pulled to read Melania’s memoir in October, why I wrote a public 3,400-word reflection about what she and I have in common–when I hadn’t written online since 2019.

The me who has emerged from these last 5 years, that dark night of the soul, is now deeply rooted in the unseen. In Truth. In divinity. In the Great Mother. In the knowing that we are all connected. I now know that waking life is only a fraction of the experience, and it’s unfolding in each and every moment, each breath. Most of what appears to be is illusion, or was built without loving intention.

I’ll never forget my shock and naivety the first time I worked at a U.S. Fish and Wildlife Refuge my first term in a conservation corps in 2017. Nevermind that we were spraying poison onto the plants, into the ground, into our food/water, our home. Killing plants which were simply being, living, adapting to changing environments as they always do, growing where they are needed, where the environment is right for them to grow. I couldn’t see that clearly yet. What shocked me was hearing gunshots, and subsequently learning that this was open hunting season. In a place called a “wildlife refuge,” people are allowed to come here with guns and murder the wildlife? I was confused. I’d thought “refuge” meant something, and had trusted that meaning. Until I learned otherwise. At the time I still believed thin-binary-narratives of words like “conservation” (good) and “invasive species” (bad). Language is powerful. The narratives that are crafted can last generations, keeping folks from asking deeper questions, from taking a second look. Read more

What Do I Have in Common with Melania?

 

Two weeks ago, I read Melania Trump’s self-titled memoir.

I love memoirs, and have much curiosity about people’s inner lives. What are they noticing? What’s their narration about their lives? What’s within their nervous system’s capacity? Which primary lenses do they seem to look through? What feels safe/easy in their body, and what is challenging for this person? What was the culture like where they grew up — both in their town and family of origin? It’s the unseen I’m most eager to learn about folks: their emotions, doubts, stories, beliefs, fears, joys, spiritual connections, and sensations.

From my own experience, I know that how things may appear to onlookers from the outside is not at all what living in my body with my soul feels like to me, on the inside. And, I also know that a memoir is only a sliver of someone’s experience. So much needs to be cut out to craft a narrative within a single book, not to mention all of the felt experiences which can’t be put to words. A book is a static entity, while authors keep experiencing and changing. The whole human-being thing. (I feel much restriction in my body knowing all that isn’t expressed in this very piece of writing! And, an article is not a person. A book is not a person. An interview is not a person. A song is not a person.)

Yet a sliver of someone’s experiences in their own words is wider and closer to truth than an onlooker’s external observations. As such, I was eager to hear about Melania’s life from Melania herself. Read more

2023: March — Breathing Pause

Reflecting Back on March

I finished a long-term remodel work project from the fall. The bathrooms are open!

Watched the McGee interior design show throughout the month, got my hair cut, found myself completely rearranging the furniture in my room one weekend–impromptu. Love it.

An office at work has new floors and we’re in the middle of a deep-clean. I’m looking forward to fresh energy in that space; spring is here.

We had a few more snow removal days sprinkled throughout the month; perhaps the last was this past week? I heard my Backyard Bird’s song a week ago at lunch; what a joyful sound.

I signed up for Starhawk’s Ritual Skills class. I probably wouldn’t have if I’d sat on it any amount of time before registering, but it’s nice to be in her presence again.

My Grandpa was in the hospital the week of his 90th birthday, and now is trying out a nursing home for 20 days of rehab.

I’ve been receiving clarity to transition a relationship and to try staying at my place of work. Learned of Devilin’s latest and struggled to hold my tongue. May all relationships be for the good of all beings; may we learn what we need to learn, and be transformed in necessary ways.

I’ve been feeling inspired by memoirs being released from people I know. There’s fuel for a long, slow-burning fire to write my empath journey.

Sent mail this month. Read some great memoirs; finished one from my “pass along” pile, and am partway into another.

Grateful for…

  • Loam connections and conversations
  • Ted Lasso
  • More sunlight
  • Starting at Walnut during school
  • Caroline’s presence and teaching
  • Snail mail from zine reader
  • My housemate
  • Friends at work
  • Good books to read
  • My teachers at school; their skills and abilities to teach
  • Pens and paper; writing

Celebrating…

  • Making it through the Sharp Loneliness
  • The two days I left class early when I didn’t have capacity
  • Asked Heather to pick up chocolate chips from TJ
  • The times I practice TRE and the moments I ground
  • The Tuesday morning when two bold energies were low, yet mine stayed strong.
  • Shared my zines in a café downtown, and with a vegan restaurant I admire
  • Started browsing around for places to print my zines; sent one request for a quote and received a no. (Yay, first no!)
  • All the days I have been able to, and haven’t been able to, write in my New Project
  • Wrote a spoken poem “A Letter a Week” to process
  • All the clearing out: finally going through Pile of Pens, plastic bags under the sink are gone
  • Second month without any stops at Goodwill

Noticing…

How I feel at work; anxieties about Future Leader and Work Truck.

How strongly Anita’s “Dying to Be Me” Near Death Experience is staying with me, and how all we’re meant to do is be ourselves and shine that light/love.

Looking Ahead to April’s New Moon

Calling in

I call in the powers of

Being With, such that I may have the strength to be with whatever feelings arise during the transitions to come,

We Love Rebecca, such that my thoughts, body, and spirit can bathe in the magnificent light of self-Love, and

Accept This Moment’s Capacity Without Arrows, such that I can learn to accept capacities as they arise, without second arrows of guilt, shame, story, etc.

Naming intentions

I intend to befriend and love the G.W. amor/fear when I notice it.

I intend to do what feels right in the moment, and to joyfully be myself.

I intend to trust my intuition, Timing, the power of grounding, and the Great Spirit.

2023: February – Breathing Pause

Reflecting back on February

In February we explored Swaying. The month has been full of hard emotions, holding, and cozy TV.

There was snow, snow, and more snow. Cancelled classes. Weather & admin leave.

Uncertainty over maintenance future, a deepening desire to work in the healing arts. Great uncertainty in my partnership.

My 3rd Reiki session brought a never-before felt physical experience (woah!) and reminded me to trust in myself and clear clutter. I watched Mari Kondo’s “Sparking Joy” and have been enjoying home makeover before/afters, appreciating the energy of spaces.

The Winter Desert Sunrise puzzle in my living room sneakily provided much support; I completed it last night.

I’ve been mixing up food routines all month (and couldn’t have predicted the refreshing winds that has brought), bringing fruit water to work and making vegan corn dogs; hello smoothies in February; we even did Red Curry takeout on a random Friday.

I learned of: The Moon Is My Calendar (and am exploring the practice), Bioneers.

Enjoyed “Ted Lasso” and “The Morning Show” on my 3 free months of AppleTV. Ted is uplifting and funny and kind; The Morning Show is important yet pushes the edge of too much for my sensitive being–I notice the lack of plants in their corporate TV world.

I began a writing project, looking back at all that’s transpired since 2019, to craft a narrative and integrate.

I didn’t send out any letters, but one package to a friend undergoing surgery (KF).

The final week of the month, some coworkers and I experienced something very hard at work. My body is processing trauma from it, and old Loneliness wounds are surfacing. I had to ask for what I needed at work, which felt vulnerable and uncomfortable. This incident sparked me to finally finish the self-paced TRE class though, and I’ve used TRE 3 times on myself this week. Excited to go deeper.

Grateful for…

+ The Loam and all its humans
+ Caring healing professionals
+ Money for massage and therapy
+ Money for food
+ My housemate’s energy
+ The trees
+ The care from several work folks after the Incident
+ TRE
+ The self-knowledge I’ve gained over the years
+ Music, Alexa Sunshine Rose, First Aid Kit, Molly’s playlists
+ Ted Lasso and all the humans who brought that story to life

Celebrating / proud of…

+ Giving myself what I need
+ Skipping class the Tuesday we processed the Incident
+ Letting emotion move through me at work, at home
+ Turning to somatic writing, TRE, soul friends
+ Voicing truths/needs to my partner
+ The writing and not writing on New Project

Noticing…

+ Need for in-person community is getting stronger; thinking about where to live when this job ends, or before.
+ Lack of spark at work. Open wonderings: Is it seasonal? Is it the people? Is it signifying the need for a bigger realignment?
+ The resurface of a sad, Deep Loneliness
+ My lack of walks this snowy winter.
+ Deep desire for a safe home. An address that won’t change. Walls I can paint.

Looking Ahead to March

Calling in

I’m calling in the powers of Self Trust and Gentle Compassion.

May I trust my intuition, and treat myself so gently these days.

May the words I speak to myself carry compassion,

May I encourage and nurture all the versions of me: Young Rebecca, Wisest & Kindest Me, Present-Me.

Naming intentions

The hotspot has been increasing my awareness to exciting things: Lyla June, Bioneers, TRE, a woman-run farm in WI, etc. And while the bubbly excitement is a welcome sign, my eyes have strayed too far from my paper. Thus, my intentions this coming month:

  • Make space (clear clutter: material, thought, energetic)

 

  • Ground (keep growing this foundation)

 

  • Paint/write/create (be aware of how much I’m consuming)