Two weeks ago, I read Melania Trump’s self-titled memoir.

I love memoirs, and have much curiosity about people’s inner lives. What are they noticing? What’s their narration about their lives? What’s within their nervous system’s capacity? Which primary lenses do they seem to look through? What feels safe/easy in their body, and what is challenging for this person? What was the culture like where they grew up — both in their town and family of origin? It’s the unseen I’m most eager to learn about folks: their emotions, doubts, stories, beliefs, fears, joys, spiritual connections, and sensations.

From my own experience, I know that how things may appear to onlookers from the outside is not at all what living in my body with my soul feels like to me, on the inside. And, I also know that a memoir is only a sliver of someone’s experience. So much needs to be cut out to craft a narrative within a single book, not to mention all of the felt experiences which can’t be put to words. A book is a static entity, while authors keep experiencing and changing. The whole human-being thing. (I feel much restriction in my body knowing all that isn’t expressed in this very piece of writing! And, an article is not a person. A book is not a person. An interview is not a person. A song is not a person.)

Yet a sliver of someone’s experiences in their own words is wider and closer to truth than an onlooker’s external observations. As such, I was eager to hear about Melania’s life from Melania herself. Read more

Reflecting Back on March

I finished a long-term remodel work project from the fall. The bathrooms are open!

Watched the McGee interior design show throughout the month, got my hair cut, found myself completely rearranging the furniture in my room one weekend–impromptu. Love it.

An office at work has new floors and we’re in the middle of a deep-clean. I’m looking forward to fresh energy in that space; spring is here.

We had a few more snow removal days sprinkled throughout the month; perhaps the last was this past week? I heard my Backyard Bird’s song a week ago at lunch; what a joyful sound.

I signed up for Starhawk’s Ritual Skills class. I probably wouldn’t have if I’d sat on it any amount of time before registering, but it’s nice to be in her presence again.

My Grandpa was in the hospital the week of his 90th birthday, and now is trying out a nursing home for 20 days of rehab.

I’ve been receiving clarity to transition a relationship and to try staying at my place of work. Learned of Devilin’s latest and struggled to hold my tongue. May all relationships be for the good of all beings; may we learn what we need to learn, and be transformed in necessary ways.

I’ve been feeling inspired by memoirs being released from people I know. There’s fuel for a long, slow-burning fire to write my empath journey.

Sent mail this month. Read some great memoirs; finished one from my “pass along” pile, and am partway into another.

Grateful for…

• Loam connections and conversations
• Ted Lasso
• More sunlight
• Starting at Walnut during school
• Caroline’s presence and teaching
• Snail mail from zine reader
• My housemate
• Friends at work
• Good books to read
• My teachers at school; their skills and abilities to teach
• Pens and paper; writing

Celebrating…

• Making it through the Sharp Loneliness
• The two days I left class early when I didn’t have capacity
• Asked Heather to pick up chocolate chips from TJ
• The times I practice TRE and the moments I ground
• The Tuesday morning when two bold energies were low, yet mine stayed strong.
• Shared my zines in a café downtown, and with a vegan restaurant I admire
• Started browsing around for places to print my zines; sent one request for a quote and received a no. (Yay, first no!)
• All the days I have been able to, and haven’t been able to, write in my New Project
• Wrote a spoken poem “A Letter a Week” to process
• All the clearing out: finally going through Pile of Pens, plastic bags under the sink are gone
• Second month without any stops at Goodwill

Noticing…

How I feel at work; anxieties about Future Leader and Work Truck.

How strongly Anita’s “Dying to Be Me” Near Death Experience is staying with me, and how all we’re meant to do is be ourselves and shine that light/love.

Looking Ahead to April’s New Moon

Calling in

I call in the powers of

Being With, such that I may have the strength to be with whatever feelings arise during the transitions to come,

We Love Rebecca, such that my thoughts, body, and spirit can bathe in the magnificent light of self-Love, and

Accept This Moment’s Capacity Without Arrows, such that I can learn to accept capacities as they arise, without second arrows of guilt, shame, story, etc.

Naming intentions

I intend to befriend and love the G.W. amor/fear when I notice it.

I intend to do what feels right in the moment, and to joyfully be myself.

I intend to trust my intuition, Timing, the power of grounding, and the Great Spirit.

Reflecting back on February

In February we explored Swaying. The month has been full of hard emotions, holding, and cozy TV.

There was snow, snow, and more snow. Cancelled classes. Weather & admin leave.

Uncertainty over maintenance future, a deepening desire to work in the healing arts. Great uncertainty in my partnership.

My 3rd Reiki session brought a never-before felt physical experience (woah!) and reminded me to trust in myself and clear clutter. I watched Mari Kondo’s “Sparking Joy” and have been enjoying home makeover before/afters, appreciating the energy of spaces.

The Winter Desert Sunrise puzzle in my living room sneakily provided much support; I completed it last night.

I’ve been mixing up food routines all month (and couldn’t have predicted the refreshing winds that has brought), bringing fruit water to work and making vegan corn dogs; hello smoothies in February; we even did Red Curry takeout on a random Friday.

I learned of: The Moon Is My Calendar (and am exploring the practice), Bioneers.

Enjoyed “Ted Lasso” and “The Morning Show” on my 3 free months of AppleTV. Ted is uplifting and funny and kind; The Morning Show is important yet pushes the edge of too much for my sensitive being–I notice the lack of plants in their corporate TV world.

I began a writing project, looking back at all that’s transpired since 2019, to craft a narrative and integrate.

I didn’t send out any letters, but one package to a friend undergoing surgery (KF).

The final week of the month, some coworkers and I experienced something very hard at work. My body is processing trauma from it, and old Loneliness wounds are surfacing. I had to ask for what I needed at work, which felt vulnerable and uncomfortable. This incident sparked me to finally finish the self-paced TRE class though, and I’ve used TRE 3 times on myself this week. Excited to go deeper.

Grateful for…

+ The Loam and all its humans
+ Caring healing professionals
+ Money for massage and therapy
+ Money for food
+ My housemate’s energy
+ The trees
+ The care from several work folks after the Incident
+ TRE
+ The self-knowledge I’ve gained over the years
+ Music, Alexa Sunshine Rose, First Aid Kit, Molly’s playlists
+ Ted Lasso and all the humans who brought that story to life

Celebrating / proud of…

+ Giving myself what I need
+ Skipping class the Tuesday we processed the Incident
+ Letting emotion move through me at work, at home
+ Turning to somatic writing, TRE, soul friends
+ Voicing truths/needs to my partner
+ The writing and not writing on New Project

Noticing…

+ Need for in-person community is getting stronger; thinking about where to live when this job ends, or before.
+ Lack of spark at work. Open wonderings: Is it seasonal? Is it the people? Is it signifying the need for a bigger realignment?
+ The resurface of a sad, Deep Loneliness
+ My lack of walks this snowy winter.
+ Deep desire for a safe home. An address that won’t change. Walls I can paint.

Looking Ahead to March

Calling in

I’m calling in the powers of Self Trust and Gentle Compassion.

May I trust my intuition, and treat myself so gently these days.

May the words I speak to myself carry compassion,

May I encourage and nurture all the versions of me: Young Rebecca, Wisest & Kindest Me, Present-Me.

Naming intentions

The hotspot has been increasing my awareness to exciting things: Lyla June, Bioneers, TRE, a woman-run farm in WI, etc. And while the bubbly excitement is a welcome sign, my eyes have strayed too far from my paper. Thus, my intentions this coming month:

• Make space (clear clutter: material, thought, energetic)

 

• Ground (keep growing this foundation)

 

• Paint/write/create (be aware of how much I’m consuming)

Reflecting back on January

January was a month of integrating the visit to my family of origin over the holidays, of a new housemate, of snow and snow and more snow, of readjusting to the school rhythms, of committing to two retreats this year, of uncertainty in my primary relationship, and of attention on the Good Worker armor.

Grateful for…

+ My new housemate, with whom I feel the most myself in my home, compared to all my housemates prior in current govt shared housing. She is teaching me a lot with her presence.
+ The puzzle that Pete left me with. I’ve been playing with a new lunchtime routine, where I return home to eat and puzzle, and it’s felt good.
+ Bear/strength handmade gift from Adson
+ Em and our connection
+ Loam and Polo friends
+ The sunshine, melting this snow into water
+ New security doors installed at my house
+ Lyla June, who my therapist just introduced me to. I’m grateful for the excitement and resonance I feel when listening to Lyla’s words, and that she’s spoken so much over the years.
+ My teachers this semester at community college. They each have their own way, and are both deeply dedicated to knowledge being passed along and understood by students.
+ The trust and love in my partnership
+ Fresh energy felt this week in new grocery/eating rhythms: watermelon/kiwi water at work on a Wednesday, chocolate smoothie on a Sunday
+ The light blue handkerchief in my right pocket, whose scent fills me with grounding and safety.
+ My safe, cozy home.
+ Work environment where I can explore the Armor and practice new ways of being.

Celebrating / Proud of…

+ Using my voice at 2-day Wilderness Training
+ Noticing the bubbles and ordering Calm CP supplement again
+ Filing my taxes!
+ Rootedness among partnership waves
+ Listening to my intuition re: Molly’s retreats
+ Grounding during the work day
+ How I responded to an email from an old college friend
+ All of the 10% Tuesdays I’ve been writing & sharing in the Loam
+ The noticing I did when I got a new phone at the start of the month, the slowness of my transition from old to new, intentionally installing apps, creating a “neutrally separate” background to remind me of a new energy tool I’m playing with.

Deepening

+ Third Chakra. I can take up space. I am powerful and strong, like the sun. I honor the light within me.
+ A noticing of the Good Worker shield. How heavy it is. How much shame/judgment I can automatically cast upon myself in work settings. New dimensions of an old story are being illuminated.
+ Calling towards energy healing. I’m reading “Energy Medicine” by Jill Blakeway right now, and while it’s not my #1 on energy healing, it’s illuminating clearly that I want to go deep into this realm, to develop gifts with which I can share and heal.

 

Looking Ahead to February

Calling in

Lately I’ve been feeling more of the bubbles, the pressure of taking in so many stimuli at once, analyzing, noticing, tending to myself based on capacity. There isn’t time to process all that’s occurring! It makes me more fearful of leaving the house—like scanning and protecting take so much heavy work and energy. So I’m calling in the power of breath.

With me always, may I turn to her as a trusted resource in any moment.

May I rest in the knowing that there is nothing I must do.

Open, relax, and breath will breathe me, as she always does.

What has proven her dependability more than she?

May this breath remind me of the wisdom in One Thing At a Time and All Timing Right Timing,

and may she bring with her a lightness, a softening,

a deepness of my connection with Earth, with All Life.

 

So mote it be.