Two weeks ago, I read Melania Trump’s self-titled memoir.

I love memoirs, and have much curiosity about people’s inner lives. What are they noticing? What’s their narration about their lives? What’s within their nervous system’s capacity? Which primary lenses do they seem to look through? What feels safe/easy in their body, and what is challenging for this person? What was the culture like where they grew up — both in their town and family of origin? It’s the unseen I’m most eager to learn about folks: their emotions, doubts, stories, beliefs, fears, joys, spiritual connections, and sensations.

From my own experience, I know that how things may appear to onlookers from the outside is not at all what living in my body with my soul feels like to me, on the inside. And, I also know that a memoir is only a sliver of someone’s experience. So much needs to be cut out to craft a narrative within a single book, not to mention all of the felt experiences which can’t be put to words. A book is a static entity, while authors keep experiencing and changing. The whole human-being thing. (I feel much restriction in my body knowing all that isn’t expressed in this very piece of writing! And, an article is not a person. A book is not a person. An interview is not a person. A song is not a person.)

Yet a sliver of someone’s experiences in their own words is wider and closer to truth than an onlooker’s external observations. As such, I was eager to hear about Melania’s life from Melania herself.

A Sprinkle of Context

Here are a few sprinkles of context to some of my lenses while reading Melania in October 2024:

Shadow. I am in a group that practices story and somatics. Our topic of exploration and play in October was Shadow. While the fall literally brings more shadows as the daylight decreases, it’s also a time to play with our psychological shadows.

If this is a new concept for anyone, a shadow is a trait that you are unconsciously repressing or rejecting. Often we were taught — whether explicitly or subconsciously — that a certain trait is bad or unlikeable, and we resist being labeled as such. We can often find our shadows by looking at what irritates or angers us about other people. (My introduction to this topic came through the book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford.)

To integrate the shadow, we look for where this trait exists in ourselves, and welcome it. Shadow explorations can be very uncomfortable. Since my group is somatically-oriented, we have been dipping into shadow while staying within our body’s window of tolerance.

Capacity. From 2019–2024, my nervous system did not have capacity to take in the news. (That dark-night-of-the-soul journey will be my next memoir. Also: Our nervous systems were not built/adapted to know everything happening all over the world. That statement deserves a full post. In the meantime, I’ll point you to the work of Irene Lyon and Molly Caro May, my nervous system/somatic teachers.) I didn’t have internet in most places I lived during that time, and I’m not on social media. So, some of the events Melania writes about—which apparently had been all over the media—I learned about years after the fact from Melania herself, removed from media urgency. This was a fascinating experience!

Language. One final piece of context I was aware of when I began reading is that English is not Melania’s native language. Already, her experiences are filtered through a lens. I imagine writing a book about myself in one of my foreign languages (Spanish or French), and my immediate reaction is a big “no thank you,” knowing how I can’t articulate subtleties in those languages anywhere close to the degree that I can with English.

5 Connections with Melania

While reading Melania’s memoir, I realized I was filling out a Venn diagram in my mind, taking note of our similarities and differences.

This brought me back to January of 2017, when I wrote a piece and shared an idea: The 5-in-5 Connection Challenge. Challenge a stranger to find five similarities with you in five minutes — the more obscure the better — and write down your findings in a Venn diagram as you go. It was a way for people to connect face-to-face with others outside of their social bubble, to bridge the gaps and increase understanding. The idea had been birthed after the 2016 election, which I was now reliving through Melania’s eyes.

And so it’s that structure I’ll use to share my reading experience: Can I find five similarities between us through her writing? (Spoiler: yes!)

1. Differing viewpoints are a natural aspect of human relationships.

It’s on page 49 that I’m surprised to see a belief expressed which Melania and I share:

“While I may not agree with every opinion or choice expressed by Donald’s grown children, nor do I align with all of Donald’s decisions, I acknowledge that differing viewpoints are a natural aspect of human relationships.

It is essential to remember that each person is deserving of respect and understanding, regardless of disagreements. I have focused on creating an environment where everyone feels free to express themselves authentically. Rather than imposing my own views or critiquing others, I have aimed to be a steady presence–someone they can rely on.

In any relationship, whether as a mother to my son, a wife to my husband, or a stepmother, I firmly believe the principle: Don’t control, communicate!

While we may share the same last name, each of us is distinct, with our own aspirations and paths to follow.”

Yes. Listen. Communicate.

I can think of many relatives whose opinions I do not share. It feels silly to point out, but pointing this out is necessary to steer away from binary thinking and add more nuance into our days: Melania shares a last name with other people. She is not them. She does not control anyone else. We only have control over ourselves.

A married or partnered couple are not the same person. It does not mean they agree on everything. Perhaps you know a couple or are in a relationship — a friendship even — where your ideas and paths are different from another’s? This is natural!

***

In another chapter, Melania shares her experience of writing and giving her 2016 RNC speech. Her takeaway seems to be trust no one, which feels restrictive in my body, and a sad, isolated belief to have.

“From then on, I realized the importance of being intimately involved with every detail of my public life. No longer would I delegate specific tasks or trust others to ensure my reputation was protected.”

I felt disheartened that Melania felt there wasn’t someone looking out for her at that time. What does it feel like to work somewhere where your coworkers don’t have your back? I’ve experienced that, and it was terrible. My body was filled with fear each day, it couldn’t relax. There wasn’t trust.

In my own life, at this point on my journey, I’m learning to trust in the Divine, to trust in others. I’m learning I’m safer when I’m woven into community.

This felt like a clear difference to jot down in our respective circles.

2. Bullying enabled by social media is extraordinarily cruel.

Then, Melania writes about the harm of social media to children:

“Technology brings significant dangers. … There was so little supervision, so few guardrails, and no real regulation. Our children were not equipped to handle the kind of bullying enabled by social media, which is often anonymous, targeted, and extraordinarily cruel. As a mother, I found this unacceptable. I had long felt that we were sleepwalking into a very dangerous situation.”

I agree. I left Facebook in 2014; I had felt the damage of this platform in my upper teens and early twenties. (I could write a full zine about this…)

Melania expands, addressing a thought that had also flashed into my mind…

“I had anticipated some criticism in light of Donald’s social media behavior, but despite the scrutiny my stance might receive, addressing this issue was a personal priority for me. Throughout the campaign and his presidency, I maintained that my advocacy wouldn’t be swayed by how my husband managed his Twitter account. Helping parents and children address the challenges of the digital age was my focus.” (pg. 112)

When the wondering arose, ‘How can she be putting all this energy towards preventing children from getting harmed on the internet, when her own husband is harming people on the internet!?’

I took a breath. Played with shadow. I noticed these outward judgements and reflected them back to myself. How are my relationships? Who am I partnering with — in friendship, in business, in love? Do these feel in alignment to me? Are there places in my life where someone outwardly could perceive such dissonance?

I think of a first love, and how he did things that I didn’t agree with and wouldn’t dream of doing myself. And I loved him dearly! I still do, his spirit. He was so creative, a brilliant writer, quick wits, funny, sweet.

I think of a dear friend who had different views than me about masking during the pandemic. He’s a gem of a human! I cannot reduce his full vibrancy down to one thin slice of information.

I return to the two extremely thin stories in front of me and feel into my body:

Melania finds online bullying dangerous and unacceptable.
AND
Her husband bullies online.

I can feel the somatic stretch.

And, I thicken, thicken, adding in bits that aren’t expressed in those two hand-picked sentiments. All of the other emotions, people (their son!), childhoods, countries/cultures of origin, following sensations in my body, pendulating, until it’s able to hold both at once.

Melania finds online bullying dangerous and unacceptable. Her opinions are her own. She is married to and has a child with a human who has his own thoughts and way of being.

This thickening actually led to our third similarity:

3. Strong Integrity & Spirit

I also aim to do what’s right for me personally, even if it might outwardly receive scrutiny or not be understood by others (though not to the degree at which Melania does this, with billions of eyes on her). I admire her courage and integrity to do what she feels is right, to support herself, to create in the world. We each go at our own rhythms, in our own ways.

Someone else in her shoes might have said, ‘the media will eat me alive if I advocate for safe online spaces,’ and not acted on what felt right to do.

Have the imagined opinions/judgements of others (which can bring on very real felt-sense discomfort) ever kept you from acting in a way that feels true to you? My answer is a resounding yes! Every day.

Throughout the book, Melania advocates for what she feels is right — helping children in schools and starting a non-profit to support kiddos in foster care— even when entire industries shun her or won’t allow banking, etc. She persists even with all of the roadblocks. She has a strong spirit, a strong will.

It can be vulnerable to create and be seen in this world. She does it anyway.

***

I felt hopeful while reading Melania’s account of visiting the U.S./Mexico border in 2018 (pp. 139–140):

“While I understood the importance of secure borders, I was blindsided by the reports in the media regarding the administration’s immigration policies, particularly the separation of families and detention of children. I was never briefed and I had been completely unaware of the policy. As the First Lady, I felt it was imperative to get to the bottom of these allegations and understand the actions being taken by the White House. …”

“Occasional political disagreements between me and my husband were a part of our relationship, but I believed in addressing them privately rather than publicly challenging him. I found our discussions more productive when we could have a quiet dialogue at home, out of the public eye. …”

“What was going on at the border was simply unacceptable and went against everything I believe in.”

“I immediately addressed my deep concerns with Donald regarding the family separations, emphasizing the trauma it was causing these families. As a mother myself, I stressed:

‘The government should not be taking children away from their parents.’ I communicated with great clarity during that conversation: ‘This has to stop.’”

“… on June 20, he announced the end of the family separation policy.”

“… new policy was an important step, but I also needed to witness the situation at the border firsthand. My presence could help maintain pressure on officials to reunite families as quickly as possible.”

And from this scene, I can also pull out another thread we share:

4. Quiet dialogues are more productive.

Melania used her voice when it felt imperative to her, in the way that felt right. She countered the President of the United States and demanded reuniting between parents and children. She did this privately, without an audience.

My body also favors quiet dialogues out of the public eye. It’s mostly 1–1 or small-group discussions I’ve been having these last five years—rarely writing publicly. When I do write for an audience, it’s been on paper, where folks can sit quietly and dialogue with my thoughts, hold the zine in their hands.

This dinnertime conversation reminded me that I can use my voice when it feels imperative to me — in a way that feels right.

I have experienced tens of thousands of moments when my voice couldn’t physically make words when something felt imperative to me. When something mattered to me. I now have the somatic knowledge to understand why this was so, how the surrounding environments and people did not feel safe to my highly-sensing body, and am much gentler with myself. Sometimes a journal entry, an embodied visualization, or singing in the car are the right ways to use my voice.

I joyfully celebrate Melania using her voice here, in the way that felt right for her. It had impact. And I’m encouraged that no matter the job titles of her husband going forwards, he is not a man alone in the world. He has a wife, and now I know one instance in which he listened to her opinions. Could there be many more moments of listening? (Likely.) Who else does he have? What other positive influences might be in his family and close friends? Thicken, thicken.

***

The book was not without moments where I felt tight sensations inside while reading. The hardest passage for my body to read may have been hearing Melania’s experience of the BLM protests in 2020:

“The violent demonstrations in cities across the country, driven by the inflammatory rhetoric of Black Lives Matter leaders, caused widespread destruction and harm to businesses and communities. …”

“I couldn’t help but wonder what can be gained from such destructive behavior, as it only leads to more suffering and devastation. Our country has a proud history of seeking peaceful and constructive ways to address issues and make positive change.”

And so again, I sat with the discomfort, being with the sensations that arose in my body. I released the part of me who wanted to respond, to educate, to show an example where… and simply sat with the sensations.

5. Labels are for cans, not people.

Near the end of the book (pp. 157–8), Melania returns to a sentiment that connects us both:

“The United States, a true melting pot of races, religions, and ethnicities, inevitably harbors potential for conflict among those diverse groups if we don’t learn to respect and accept people for who they are as individuals, beyond their group identities. Peaceful disagreement–devoid of violence, which accomplishes nothing–should be our shared goal. Yet the focus on grouping people often leads to stereotyping and labels, fostering intolerance. We face daunting challenges that demand earnest effort, beginning with genuine respect for each other’s individuality–not with anger, violence, and resentment toward entire groups of people we barely know.”

I’ve written a full zine about this topic, and I could write another. It’s a message that feels vital to my soul to communicate and share.

My body cannot laugh at a joke which pokes fun at “men” or be in conversations about “Democrats” or “Trump supporters.” I don’t know who these people are.

Who are these people?

It’s not a part of me trying to be moral, my body literally tightens and clenches, so aware of the dehumanizing that happens in these labels.

There are true dangers of equating someone to a label/group, as opposed to the full, complex individual we each are. Labels dehumanize.

Melania has been greatly dehumanized in her lifetime, and I trust she knows this experience well.

***

And so, it wasn’t hard to find five things in common while reading. In fact, here are a few more easy-to-identify similarities:

• We both support women’s right to abortion. Melania’s words: “It is imperative to guarantee that women have autonomy in deciding their preference of having children, based on their own convictions, free from any intervention or pressure from the government. Why should anyone other than the woman herself have the power to determine what she does with her own body?”
• Melania’s words: “I have always and will always condemn violence.”
  My words: I will always support Peace. Humanizing. Communicating. Listening. Nuance.
• We both have an eye for beauty / ability to create beautiful spaces
• We both moved to foreign countries in our 20s (Melania: Italy, France, USA; me: Spain, South Korea, France), learned foreign languages, and have experienced the expansive perspective-shift of living in different cultures.

My Remaining Curiosities

I have many more curiosities after reading Melania’s memoir, such as:

• What is her nervous system like? How has it changed over the years? Have there been transformations? Softenings? (Or is it more like a relative we know who has seemingly held tight to their storylines their entire life?)
• What does the grief feel like from mother’s death in January 2024?
• What attracted her at age 28 to her now-husband? (Similarities to father? Energetic? Attachment? Past-life? Soul agreement?)
• Who in her familial systems // friend-groups is an edge-pusher?
• Does she have people with whom she can speak freely?
• What does mothering feel like now that her son is off at college?

While I didn’t get much of a view into her internal/emotional/personal world, reading Melania did help me to humanize her. The Media are not reporting the Truth. Each has a story they want to convey, whether the story feels “good” and “right” to us, or “wrong” and “lies.”

I know that any outwards reporting on my life would not at all align with my internal experience. I will continue to look for, welcome, make space for the internal, unseen experience of those around me — to remind myself there is so much beyond my awareness.

I want to live in a world with more nuance, Nuance which doesn’t fit into a newspaper article or headline or book.

I want to live in a world which honors the true, lived, full complex, rich, loamy experiences of being in a human body, for all people.

Sharing some of my experiences with this memoir, with you all today, allows me to create such a world.

Thank you.

 

— –

I have found adrienne maree brown and Autumn Brown incredible resources during this election cycle. They actively look for nuance, engage with folks who share different ideas, & widen their perspectives somatically.

Their latest episode, “Choosing Our Terrain” on their podcast How to Survive the End of the World is a beautiful illustration of what this looks like in practice. These are important ideas to grow — before and after the 2024 U.S. election.

Also, adrienne’s book We Will Not Cancel Us, which takes a vulnerable, important look at cancel-culture, pairs well with many of the ideas I want to uplift. (She recently published Loving Corrections, a book which is likely of the same vein, but I haven’t yet read it to recommend firsthand.)