Much is different from when I last wrote: I’m on the road in Elereen (my Honda Element), writing today from a library in Colorado. Over the weekend I attended The Land Institute’s Prairie Festival in Kansas. I’ll write more about that org and experience at some point, but in the meantime, click the link to learn more.
That’s my largest external change. Internally, there aren’t words to describe what’s been going on. Grief is doing its unpredictable thing, among everything else. It’s been an intense week, emotionally difficult. And today I’ve just arrived back in Colorado, on the roads I drove last summer. It feels surreal. I sat by a beautiful stream surrounded by fall foliage as I ate an avocado and tomatoes for lunch, reveling in that amazing smell of this landscape, so grateful to be in this place, and tears—familiar now—began to fall. I suppose this is my “new normal,” but it still feels foreign, not like me. I miss feeling like me. Hah, remember when I said there weren’t words to describe what’s been going on? This little paragraph is grossly (grossly!) incomplete, so I’m going to leave it there and turn to look back at my focuses from September.
Obnoxiously Encouraging Thoughts
(+) Lean into Goddess card (Aeracura).
I put my card up on the wall in Elereen, such that I can change it out each month.
(+) Explore “The Celtic Devotional.”
I read the how-to-use-this-book pages at the beginning, and am still using it in the morning and before bed.
(-) Finish “Sacred Contracts.”
I got about a third of the way through this one and then had to return it to the library when I left town.
(+) Read “Paganism: An Introduction to Earth-centered Religions”
I did read the chapters I wanted to from this one, and enjoyed the introduction to Paganism.
(+) Drive everywhere!
I drove to Mount Horeb, then Madison, then 3 hours to La Crosse, out to my grandma’s house, and finally… to Kansas! And Colorado!
(+) Finish conversion
I built a bed platform that lies across one side of my back “shelf” unit, and that’s all the woodwork I did. I cut old carpet and hot glue gunned the edges to stop it from fraying. I sewed a bright fabric I love to the back of a black St. Vinny’s curtain and strung it up in the front, such that when I pull the curtain it looks black from the outside, but is a white/teal wall for me on the inside. And I loaded in my clothes, books, camping/cooking gear, and paper things (snail mail supplies, writing projects, journals).
Material-World Burden Things
(-) Transfer Roth IRA.
When I sat down to tackle this, I saw they would send me papers to sign within 7-10 days, but I would no longer be at my listed home address… I’d be on the road at that point. So this is on hold again. I’ll get to it this winter, I promise. I also want to divest from fossil fuels, etc., so I could do both at once if I get my research done.
(+) Make car appointment.
I called and made this soon after I posted last month’s reflection, which was a good thing, because they didn’t have any openings until the following week.
(+) Get car serviced.
I got it serviced and felt so proud! Then my aunt noticed the clunking I’d had them get rid of was still clunking, albeit quieter… and I didn’t try to call back or go back because I didn’t want to spend any more money, and because I was gearing up to head west.
(+) Start browsing the jobs.
I applied to a trail work internship back at the start of September, which I’m still waiting to hear back on. I’ve heard I’m still in the running, and they contacted my references last week, but no final word yet. It would be at Zion National Park, which is why I’m in Colorado. If I don’t get the position, I’ll look for something else in Utah or Arizona for a mild winter.
(?) Re-purchase old domain.
I’ve done a short-term work-around: On any rebewithaclause post, replace the “.com” with “.net” and the page will open. I’m using this minor annoyance as an opportunity to pause and reflect on whether or not I want those past writings online in blog format.
( ) Camino/AZT Zine
This feels like it’s sat dormant for a long while now. I’ll try to post up in a library during the next two weeks and see what sort of energy this project is feeling like now.
( ) Box Project
This project has more life to it, so I’ll try to work on it during the next three weeks, when I have the energy to do so. If I don’t get to it, that’s okay too. Lately I’ve needed to return to the basics and allow myself space to rest and be.
Obnoxiously Encouraging Thoughts
I want to focus on daily movement this month, whether that’s five minutes of stretching or going for a walk through town.
Make moments book (SARK)/affirmations zine and read daily
In a SARK book I read over the past week, she has a make-it-yourself Moments book filled with affirmations. I want to punch out the pages, make the book, and use it, and/or use the phrases in my own affirmations zine.
Celtic Devotional morning and night
Continue this practice.
Lean into goddess card.
My card this month is Sige, Quite Time. Her message:
Quiet your mind. Breathe and let go of words, worry, and plans. Go into that space of silence deep within you, that vortex of peace where the world doesn’t enter. Now is the time to retreat into silence and spend time alone. I’ll lovingly help you rejuvenate and recenter yourself. Don’t try to make any decisions now. Just allow your mind to be at rest. You’ll know soon enough when it’s time to take action.
Fall is a natural season for Quiet Time on this side of the globe, but it struck me as surprising because my whole year has felt like Quiet Time: Two months hibernating in France spending all my weekdays alone, two months solo-hiking the AZT, four months hibernating at my parents’ house… Obviously I’ll listen to my intuition to feel out when I need social interaction, but I’m just realizing this has been my most secluded/isolated year to date. Hmmm…
Daily journal writing.
I hardly journaled all summer, mostly because I didn’t want to remember those days I think. But in an effort to process and work through, I’m making this a priority for October. I’ve already written two days in a row, hooray! I’ve told myself that when I don’t feel like writing a day’s recap, I can just list three things I’m grateful for—that’s just fine for a day’s entry.
I wanted to also be doing 5 minutes of morning meditation each day, but for now I’m just going to focus on the daily journaling. If I can get that going, maybe I’ll try adding on the meditation, or maybe it’ll wait until next month. One thing at a time.
40-min chunks at libraries
If I’m feeling up for it, I’ll try out 40-minute writing chunks at libraries.
Where has your attention been in September? What needs illuminating in October?
Taking a breath for here and now.
To anyone out there who needs a hug today, I’m sending a virtual one your way.
You’re doing a great job!
Thanks for being here.